Firstly, I must seek forgiveness for writing this piece, from my parents, and all the people who love me, and all the people who hate me, and all the people who don’t know I exist. Because, here I touch a phenomenon that was brought into existence out of sheer observation and an objectively no thoughts given to the consequences of such observations. A Jane Austen-y vibe of sorts, but not really.
Secondly, this piece is called GIWD: Guy I Would Divorce and not GIWBW: Guy I Would Break-up With because let’s face it – at this point (age and exhaustion) I cannot pretend I can do anything whimsical romantically.
Now, we can start. The phenomenon of the GIWD starts with a journey from Kolkata to Mumbai – in a long distance train – 36 hours. We share the three tier bedpost compartments with multiple other families – a normal thing for that age. I would balk at that prospect today – or maybe I wouldn’t. A family of three sits opposite to our seats. A boy aged six to eight, his father and his mother. At some point, I hear a loud slap and look over. And for some reason the father has decided to slap his son on the back. His son is sitting in the wife’s lap, and the father pulls him away from the lap, places him on the seat, and places his own head onto his wife’s lap. No one blinks, no one looks at them like this is weird. The wife pats the husband on his forehead – as if to soothe him. The son doesn’t even cry, he just goes back to fiddling with some toy he was. My mum lets out a laugh and catches my father’s eyes. They’re shocked – but everyone else in that compartment seems to believe this is fine and normal. That is how a GIWD was born. The Guy I Would Divorce.
When I told a couple of people about the phenomenon of the GIWD, a guy retorted back saying, “I love how you say divorce and not break-up”, but to me a marriage is a stamp, and a relationship is fluid. A lot of people may say that, “well, I’ve been with ten people and have the trauma of breaking up with them”. However they did not have the government’s interference, the society’s judgement and happy pictures in wedding regalia to cry about. Which is why to me – a marriage is definitely much more than a relationship. A guy one would divorce – would require some financial know-hows on what to do next, friends and family mourning for a bit and the tag of a “divorcee” which can be quite brutal in many parts of the world. Thus, finding out your boundaries that would lead to a divorce are actually a miserable intellectual exercise and are pretty much super sad. Which is why I present here: GIWD in no particular order.
Guy to wife: Ok, here’s the phone, look up the directions and direct me (a la Google Maps but his wife says things)
Me: GIWD
Wife: (Injures a major part of her knee biking on one of those scooty bikes) So I first fell down, and then I tried to get myself up from the position I was in and didn’t quite estimate well how hurt I was – so I fell down again
Husband: *starts laughing while she is still clutching her knee*
Me: GIWD
Husband: *finds an ethnic pie in a Safeway, buys one, eats one while billing, without getting one for the wife, or being excited enough to tell her about it*
Me: *stares with fascination* GIWD
Guy: *dirty talks*
Me: *vomits* GIWD
Wife: *goes to a south Asian country, without any precautions, gets molested on camera*
Husband: *Explaining on camera how this is sort of cultural while watching wife get assaulted*
Me: *dies* GIWD
Wife: Meghan Trainor causes chatter online after discussing her “painful” sex with “big boy” husband Daryl Sabara, revealing that she “can’t walk” after sex.
Me: *dies again* GIWD
Wife: *gives birth*
Husband: *goes online and berates her for having kids at 26, which according to him is too late to start having kids and he wants 6*
Me: GIWD
Man: *posts a picture of processed packed cheese catching mold* I need a wife
Me: In advance your wife would be like GIWD
Apologies in advance, mostly to my parents and their perception of their baby girl and my actual sensibilities but I’m in this whole Bridget Jones phase. Ciao.
The Aro-droid 